Boris Vian: It’s our job to make war, not to choose the enemy

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Anti-war essays, poems, short stories and literary excerpts

French writers on war and peace

Boris Vian: I come here to offer you a brand-new modern war

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Boris Vian
The Generals’ Tea Party
Translated by Simon Watson Taylor

AUDUBON: …Listen, old boy, we’ve forgotten something….This war of yours: whom are we supposed to be fighting?…I am not asking ridiculous questions. I’m asking you a most vital question….We should have thought about that beforehand? Listen, it’s our job to make war, not to choose the enemy. That’s your business, I believe….Are you or are you not the foreign minister?

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PLANTIN: …Sit down, everybody. I will explain. Now gentlemen, the fact is that in France our industrialists and agricultural producers find themselves in the unfortunate position of having to go to war in order to absorb a totally unexpected overproduction pattern. I have therefore ordered General Wilson de la Pètardière, here, the commander of my G.H.Q., to take all necessary measures. And the bloody fool has been farting around without even troubling to find out who the hell we are supposed to be fighting. Which is why I have taken the liberty of asking you [American, Chinese and Russian generals] to attend this meeting: I ask you one question frankly, gentlemen – would any of you like to take us on?